Jocks: Staff Picks

Best Hope for the Future: After years of false hope from an owner who feigned interest in order to pad his already bulging wallet, new Reds owner and CEO Bob Castellini is a breath of fresh air, not only promising a winner but attempting to back up his words with action.

Best Handling of Success: Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer has taken his rapidly rising profile in stride, coming off more like a guy who still has something to prove than an All-Pro and former Heisman Trophy winner. Here's hoping his knee injury doesn't derail his development, for if he gets any better, the Bengals could be printing Super Bowl tickets in the near feature. Great quarterback, better guy.

photo: seahuTerry Bryan's Training Center Photo: Matt Borgerding

Best Serious Workout:
Terry Bryan's Training Center
This Kenwood facility can boast to having the cream of the crop of licensed personal trainers - if Terry Bryan (pictured) and his team can't whip you into shape and help you achieve your fitness goals, you may as well stay on that couch, Mr. Spud. Bryan is a man with skills and casts an imposing shadow. A former UC football player, he can boasts having performed, among other feats, a perfect 1,000-lb. squat; the man can lift a half ton. Bryan personally trains 60 to 70 clients per week in addition to managing a core of professional personal trainers at the center. His work depends on the client, but personally he incorporates extremely heavy power work, lifting 900 lbs. as a way to wake up in the morning. He's worked with Olympians and attempts world records - a heck of a fella' to have in your corner. 7791 Montgomery Road, Kenwood, 513-793-7867.

Best Smart Ass Baseball Fan Taunt: Plain and simple: "Booooo!" Danny Graves made a lot of pitching mistakes at the start of the 2005 season. But his biggest guffaw came after a game, where he told reporters he was more disappointed in the fans' booing response than he was with what happened during some particularly momentous on-field meltdowns. The result? More boos than a George Bush appearance at a Move On rally. If there's a next time, Graves - who was booted from the team not long after - should try reverse psychology. "I just really wish the fans wouldn't cheer so loudly whenever I take the field."

Best Big Ego: Chad Johnson's ego knows no bounds. Not since Lewis Billups - but how many people remember him? - has a Bengals player been as vocal about his abilities as this guy. From high-profile TV appearances to local commercials to creative if unnecessary touchdown celebrations, Johnson isn't shy about propping himself up. The difference between Chad and Terrell Owens? Through it all, CJ's a team player. Plus he's a better dancer.

Best Buffoon: Chris Henry
In the midst of an excellent season, the rising wide receiver was arrested for possession of marijuana after being pulled over in Covington. No sweat; shit happens. But no one apparently gave Henry the "how to keep it on the down low" handbook even then, and he got himself into more trouble in late January, allegedly pulling a gun on a crowd in Orlando in the presence of a cop. To cap off the Mensa candidate's winter foibles, his Florida misadventures were undertaken while he was wearing a Bengals jersey. His own Bengals jersey! Sure, Henry has (or had) a bright future as a player, but at this point we're just hoping he can just stay out of jail.

Best Sports Anthem: They didn't get to shuffle in the Super Bowl, but the Bengals did get a song out of their impressive 2005 run. And from a legendary source, no less. Along with guest "rappers" and Bengals players Duane Clemons, Stacy Andrews and Ben Wilkerson, Funk master Bootsy Collins served up "Fear Da Tiger," which became the team's de facto theme song. It's probably not the best song Collins has ever been a part of (despite being one of the better "sports novelty songs" in recent memory), but it's good to see Bootsy showing his hometown pride. But where was he when they were the "Bungles?" Guess "Fear Da Three-Legged Tabby" didn't have the same je-ne-sai-quoi.

Best Way to Ensure You're the Most Hated College President in Cincinnati: Fire Bob Huggins! The beloved coach didn't get a pat on the back, a gold watch or even a gift certificate to Larosa's for his 15 years of service at UC, where he took the team to the NCAA tournament 14 consecutive times. Citing "character" issues, new UC Prez Nancy Zimpher showed Huggs the door, inciting a shower of vitriol from fans and bad press from across the country. On the upside, Zimpher is now as popular on the Xavier campus as that giant blue blob mascot.

Best Dealer with Adversity: Despite a plethora of distractions - the ghost of Huggins, injuries, player eligibility issues, a move to the almighty Big East, a disgruntled fan base, a diss from the NCAA Tournament selection committee - interim head coach Andy Kennedy did a terrific job with this year's Cincinnati Bearcats. Could his predecessor have done any better, or even as well? Not likely. Good luck in Mississippi, Andy.

Best Bowling Perfection: Cincinnati's undisputed kingpin is Lonnie Billiter Jr., who rolled three 300 games in a row for a 900 in February at Fairfield Lanes. That's a rare achievement - the last certified 900 was in December 2004. Billiter, a force to be reckoned with in the lanes, has a 225 league average and has rolled a perfect game on 13 other occasions.

photo: sean hugheseFlapjack Jones

Best Local Trash Talking: Price Hill's Intense Wrestling Incorporated
If Price Hill-based IWI offers up brawls that are half as good as the players' trash talk, the show will be well worth the $8 admission price. Here's a creative curse recently issued from one IWI personality to another: "I seek revenge and nothing but. I hope every possible bad thing will happen to you in your life, Ike. I hope your wife comes down with a bad venereal disease and passes it your way. I hope your child gets his pant leg stuck in an escalator and ends up bleeding to death from having his leg pulled from his body. I hope you become severely injured and, when you seek medical attention, the doctor is more worried about his own problems and botches up whatever he is doing to help and causes you pain and anguish the rest of your life.

I will have my revenge on you Ike. I've been planning it since I woke up from my surgery. I ensure you that after I am through with you, you will be in a WORLD OF PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Local legend Bootsy Collins has been known to make appearances at matches, and pychobilly performers like Flapjack Jones (pictured) add a touch of local culture to the events.
3509 Warsaw Ave., Price Hill, 513-251-1905

Best Rails to Trails: The Little Miami Scenic Trail, which runs from Milford to Xenia, is the longest continuous rail to trail in Ohio, stretching more than 70 miles. Restrooms, restaurants and shops are conveniently located along the trail and mile markers help riders keep track of how far they've traveled. The route is a paved-over railroad that's flat, quiet and scenic and offers a unique back yard view of rural and small town Ohio. www.miamivalleytrails.org/miami.htm.

Best Local Swimming Hole: East Fork State Park, only 25 miles from downtown Cincinnati, has just the cure for the summertime blues: 1,200 feet of sandy beach and a freshwater swimming lake. A quick dip takes the edge off of the dog days like nothing else. The park is also a popular local destination for boaters and windsurfers. 3294 Elklick Road, Bethel, 513-734-4323.

Best Impersonation of a Human: Former Reds GM Dan O'Brien's low-key demeanor brought to mind a wax mannequin. Which, come to think of it, matched the comportment of the Reds owner at the time of O'Brien's reign. Sometimes synergy is a bad thing.

Best Comeback: In an era of rampant steroid use, Ken Griffey Jr.'s legacy is looking better and better each day. While the accomplishments of Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro and others are tainted due to questions about their off-field habits, the largely misunderstood Griffey's reputation has gone from past-his-prime malcontent to a guy heralded for his dedication to a needle-free, team-first outlook. Just think of the totals a juiced - and then presumably healthy - Junior would have put up over the same period. It looks like, as he's always contended, he really doesn't care about numbers after all.

Best Breakout Season: It didn't take long for the Reds to find Barry Larkin's replacement. Once Felipe Lopez grabbed the starting shortstop job in late April he didn't look back, posting Larkin-esque numbers (.291 BA, 23 HR, 85 RBI) while becoming an unlikely All-Star selection. Following in the footsteps of Larkin who followed Dave Concepcion, in Lopez it looks as though the Reds have found their next long-term shortstop.

Best Dis of Bud Selig: Located deep in the heart of Pete Rose's West Side, The Crow's Nest wears its allegiances on its sleeve. Rose memorabilia adorns every corner of the bar, including a custom-made kelly green Rose jersey complete with shamrocks. Right next to it resides a dig on the Hit King's arch nemesis: an anti-Selig T-shirt. 4544 W. Eighth St., Price Hill, 513-921-2980.