GOODS & SERVICES STAFF PICKS

Best (Free) Hand Job:
The car washes at Mini of Cincinnati. So long as you shell out $22,000 for one of their Mini Coopers, you can get a hand car wash for free every Saturday, which usually costs upwards of $20. Add to that the complimentary coffee, soft drinks and donuts while you wait, and in just under 17 years you could recoup your entire purchase price by redeeming these services each week.
6131 Stewart Road, Silverton, 513-271-8700.

photo: matt borgerding Best Two Buck Chuck: Trader Joe's Rohs Street Cafe Photo: Mandy Janes

Best Two Buck Chuck: Trader Joe's
Finally opening a store in Cincinnati after enticing shoppers up to Dayton for years, Trader Joe’s carries many exclusive items, including “Two Buck Chuck.” The only distributor of Charles Shaw wines, the Trader Joe’s stores in California nicknamed the wine because “Charles” was “so $8.99.” At $3.39 (thanks to transportation costs, taxes and various state distribution laws), it’s still a great deal. Be sure to check out the Trader Joe’s product line, which features descriptors like “vegetarian, kosher, organic or just plain decadent,” and all have minimally processed ingredients. Avocado’s Number Guacamole, one of the more popular items at the Kenwood location, is characteristic of TJ’s approach. Named for Avogadro’s number, a mathematical equation (6.0221367 x 1023) for calculating the distance between cells, this dip boasts five avocados per container. Enjoy a fun and educational grocery shopping alternative. You’ll still have to go to a neighborhood grocery store for named-brand items, but that’s the way Trader Joe’s likes it. 7788 Montgomery Road, Kenwood, 513-984-3452. (Margo Pierce)

Best Cakemaker’s Haven:
True, the name Fantasy in Frosting might sound like ’80s porn, but for the bakery set the Newport store is an indulged dream come true. Inside the storefront is everything one needs to not only bake a cake (classes are available), but decorate for any kind of party. And the cakes know no limit: We once snuck a peek at a bachelorette’s cake bedecked with gummy penises. Hungry now?
836 Monmouth St., Newport, 859-431-0356.

Best Bread and Schnecken:
When Bill Pritz opened Shadeau Breads 10 years ago, Cincinnati was finally blessed with bread. The baguettes and rolls have a perfect crunchy-crust-to-chewy-inside ratio, and if you roll out of bed early enough on a Saturday to make it to the warm, flour-filled shop, he might have a schnecken or two left. Pritz bakes three of the cinnamon rolls in a loaf pan, so you can share the caramel-topped flaky, buttery goodness with your loved ones. Or not.
1336 Main St., Over-the-Rhine, 513-665-9270.

Best Cultural Supplier:
Shake It Records. Sure, they’ve got a massive selection of music, but it’s the other stuff that sets them apart — everything from unique toys to rare magazines, books and DVDs. And the downstairs expansion adds yet another dimension. One of our city’s greatest treasures.
4183 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-591-0123.

Best CD Listening Stations:
It might only be 15 seconds of music, but it’s 15 seconds of literally anything you could possibly want to listen to. The music section at Barnes & Noble now boasts that customers can listen to any CD in the world at their listening stations. The “Red Dot Net” network is B&N’s intranet that lets the stations in every store scan bar codes on any CD in inventory and then immediately tosses up tracks stored in the main system database. There are also search stations for seekers of the truly obscure — The Feelies, Rogue Wave, even the soundtrack to The English Patient. It’s safe to say that if you name it, they got it.
7800 Montgomery Road, Kenwood, 513-794-9440 (and other locations).

photo: matt borgerding Best Recycling: Rubbish Rohs Street Cafe Photo: Mandy Janes

Best Recycling:
Rubbish
Stolen and slightly altered from author Dave Eggers’ 826 Valencia project, Rubbish is Kathy Holwadel’s means to make money and to establish and support InkTank with nominal overhead. The writing and literacy program and writers’ support group needed its own home, a funky Honeycomb Hideout doubling as the visual equivalent of InkTank’s literary fingerprint — access and inclusion for the poor and segregated. Holwadel settled on 1311 Main St., digging in when many of the street’s landmarks were folding their tents or scaling back hours. Where Eggers peddles authentic pirate gear and equipment, rolling the proceeds back into his youth literacy and writing program, Holwadel’s thrift store supports a program that engages the poor, the homeless and the otherwise overlooked with writing. Rubbish was christened last fall in a blessing ceremony that attracted a multi-racial group of male and female poets and artists and ended in a raucous poetry reading. Its mixture of almost-antique trunks, chairs and dishes are stocked along with kitschy knick-knacks, signs, costume jewelry, clothing and every imaginable household item. Behind the Oz-like, stitched-together tapestry is a meeting and writing space furnished with salvages from Rubbish where InkTank hosts poetry open mics, readings and meetings. 1311 Main St., Over-the-Rhine, 542-0195. (Kathy Y. Wilson)

The Best Place to Buy Ostrich, Buffalo and Alligator:
And if geneticists ever cross these species and make an ostrabuffalator, Jungle Jim’s will be selling ostrabuffalator jerky within a week. Jim Bonaminio’s airplane hangar-sized store houses an award-winning cooking school, a bank, a post office, a Starbucks, a pharmacy, a well-stocked humidor, fresh produce from around the world, 8,500 wines and more than 1,600 different cheeses. Who even knew there were 1,600 different cheeses? Jungle Jim did. With recently-announced plans to open a second store in Oakley, we’ll never have to buy bricks of bright yellow American cheddar again. Huzzah!
5440 Dixie Hwy., Fairfield, 513-674-6000.

Best Spot for Turning Japanese:
Aspiring sushi chefs need bags of inexpensive sushi rice (you’re bound to burn the first attempts), seaweed sheets, fresh ginger and a bamboo rolling matt to give their kitchen Far East authenticity. The best deals and Osaka-like quality can be found past the cluttered counter at Saigon Market in Findlay Market. Order a Gingsing soda to drink on your way to the market’s fish stands.
________, Over-the-Rhine, 513-xxx-xxxx.

Best Garage Sale:
Take a jacket to Trivet Antique & Boutique, because it’s usually pretty cold inside. The spooky garage-style store has thousands of vintage items piled up like junk in your grandmother’s garage. But be sure to take your time looking around, as you never know when you’ll find a treasure. The first visit can be overwhelming, but the owners are willing to help you sift through.
5612 Carthage Ave., Norwood, 513-731-0031.

Best Place to Study Music Privately:
Co-owned by voice instructor Paul McCready and piano instructors Lenore Wilkinson and Amy Rose Immerman, Cincinnati Music Academy offers voice, piano, guitar and acting lessons for youngsters and adults. The studio works to bring out natural talents while gently instructing how to fill in what might be missing. Recitals can be a part of training; it’s up to each individual. The addition of acting coach Gina Cerimele-Mechley to the studio has made CMA a place to receive individualized attention, whether musicians are a vocational or pre-vocational.
7714 Montgomery Road, Kenwood, 513-891-7714.

photo: sean hughes / photopresse.com Best Alternative To Corporate Video: Bughouse Video Rohs Street Cafe Photo: Mandy Janes

Best Alternative To Corporate Video: Bughouse Video
When Russ Meyer died some months back, I went to my neighborhood chain video store and asked the clerk if they had a copy of Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. This was the response: “Uh, what’s it called again? Let me check the computer. No, I don’t see that. Is it a new release?” For adventurous movie lovers, Cincinnati’s video rental options have been pretty lame of late. Until now. Unveiled in December, Bughouse Video in Northside exists to cure your cinematic ills, offering up an eclectic, ever-expanding variety of hard-to-find documentary, cult and foreign films on DVD (and a few VHS), many of which the big chains won’t touch. And if it’s the new Fat Albert you seek, they have that too. To quote Meyer’s aforementioned monument to kitsch, “Go, baby! Go!” Yes, Northside has another keeper. 4170 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-541-3700. (Jason Gargano)

Best Place to Adopt a Pet:
If you’re one of those people who want to open the cages and free all the animals at the SPCA, check out the League for Animal Welfare, a nonprofit no-kill shelter. With a friendly staff that really cares about the animals, this clean, well-run facility is an excellent temporary home for our four-legged furry friends. If you’re interested in an animal, a staff member lets you spend some time getting to know the animal so you can pick a critter that suits you. So go get yourself a hound!
Taylor Road, Batavia, 513-735-2299.

Best New Posh Hangout Spot:
Growth in West Chester has been booming, but no place combines retail and relaxation quite like The Streets of West Chester. In this area, you can see a movie at the Rave theaters, dine at P.F. Chang’s and read a book at the new Barnes & Noble. All shops are connected through outdoor sidewalks, which leave room for plenty of grassy areas.
9465 Civic Centre Blvd., West Chester, 513-759-6800.

Best Mall Makeover:
A few years ago, Forest Fair Mall could have been a contestant on an extreme makeover show. But the mostly abandoned mall has transformed into the attractive Cincinnati Mills, which gives bustling shoppers a wide variety of choices from which to shop. Peruse American Eagle, Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World and Bath & Body Works, do your grocery shopping at Biggs or relax at the Showcase or Danbarry Dollar Saver Cinemas.
600 Cincinnati Mills Drive, Forest Park, 513-671-2929.

Best Place to Show Your College Spirit:
With March Madness in full gear, there’s no better place to grab your team’s gear than at Steve and Barry’s University Sportswear shop. Shirts and sweats are on sale here, plus tons of other sports-related gear. And don’t worry if you’ve already lost in your basketball beating pool — most items are $9.99 or less.
Cincinnati Mills, Forest Park, 513-671-2287; Eastgate Mall, Eastgate, 513-753-1234.

Best ‘What Is It’ Business:
Need a cup of joe, a birthday card and that 8-by-10 of your mom framed and can only make one stop? Hit Stoney’s Gift and Frame Shoppe in Covington. They do it all and are darn friendly folks. Need proof? Your dog is always welcome inside the shop and they keep the Scrabble board set up just in case a game breaks out. It’s the perfect Saturday-day starter.
323 W. Sixth St., Covington, 859-655-9571.

Best Place to Get a Last Minute Gift (and They’ll Gift Wrap for Free):
Come on, gift certificates are lame. Just go to Intuitive. For now, it’s Downtown by Hamburger Mary’s but they’re moving to Oakley soon. We’re guessing the coolness moves too. (Note: The new store might not open until June, so stock up on gifts now.) Funky presents for your funky friends.
913 Vine St., Downtown, 513-721-6772.

Best Unlikely Used Books Store:
The Main Library bookstore downtown carries a wide array of genres and subjects. Proof? Where else can one find everything from Philip Roth’s latest to a critical study of ’70s American cinema to a book on mushroom cultivation, and most everything for under $5?
800 Vine St., Downtown, 513-369-6900.

Best One-Stop Shop:
A few of the items that can be found at the Sunshine Deli: A-1 Sauce, Clorox, Lean Cuisine, Pringles, paper towels, cat food, homemade creamy chicken rice soup, produce and beer (alcoholic and non-alcoholic). Sunshine not only services the surrounding businesses and lunch traffic but also functions as a grocery for nearby residences on Garfield Place. On top of that, the deli’s name is especially apt given the sunny disposition of its staff — they’re some of the friendliest you’ll find.
720 Elm St., Downtown, 513-723-1331.

Best Day Trip:
Murphin Ridge Inn, located in Southwestern Ohio’s Amish country, serves up terrific country cooking from a Jewish kitchen in Amish country. Make reservations for dinner, but go out early and explore the 142-acre property with Red Dog, the inn’s mascot — just watch out for the horse and buggies on the way! The restaurant is open to the public 5-8 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday. Entrées change on a regular basis, but choices might include pan-fried trout, grilled Black Angus strip steak with blue cheese butter and balsamic onions or Amish-raised, pecan-crusted chicken topped with maple bourbon gravy. A little too full to make the drive home? Then check in to one of the Amish-built cabins with remote control fireplaces!
750 Murphin Ridge Road, West Union, 877-687-7446.

Best Stairway to Heaven:
Imagine stylish, urban elegant, sometimes designer/sometimes Gap women’s clothing, shoes, hats and accessories priced and displayed atypically, fashion that’s affordable and assessable that doesn’t shout, “This store’s only for the 3.5 people who ‘get’ it and who can afford it!” If fashion has a heaven, then the Mustard Seed has the fashion faith to move mountains to get in the door. And it’ll be well dressed when it does.
Ludlow Garage, 344 Ludlow Ave., Clifton, 513-221-4022.

Best Place to Find Vintage B-Movie Posters:
On any given day at Vintage Posters Bank you’re liable to find anything from a shipment of hand molds rescued from a glove factory gone bust (perfect for the scaring of guests and/or towel hanging) to an exquisite blown glass decanter set — not to mention racks of vintage posters, including ones for delightful films like Marijuana Girl (“She sold her body for drugs and kicks!”).
639 Main St, Downtown, 513-421-6659.

Best Place to Find ‘National Geographic’s Circa 1920s:
Spending an afternoon among the Ohio Bookstore’s five floors and 300,000 used books can be an aimless treasure hunt. Getting lost in the store’s endless stacks can result in tripping over anything from early edition Nora Roberts to a collection of personal correspondence from World War II to centuries-old restoration projects — not to mention some really old magazines. You could go with something specific in mind and odds are you’d find it, but you’re paying quite a bit in opportunity cost without indulging in a bit of exploration.
726 Main St., Downtown, 513-621-5142.

Best Source for Historical Posters:
One way to study history is to be immersed in its imagery. The Jack Wood Gallery specializes in a wide array of vintage posters and along the way offers collectors and simple window shoppers a glimpse into whatever period the pieces come from. Browse early advertisements for World War II war bonds, surround yourself in the decadence of the Belle Epoque, see an entire section devoted to circus posters and yet more devoted to food, travel and Strobridge pieces (a 19th-century lithography company based in Cincinnati) in the gallery’s O’Bryonville digs.
2041 Madison Road, O’Bryonville, 513-321-7077.

Best Tools:
You’ve finally grown tired of teaching houseguests the elaborate sequence of jiggles, half-turns and firm confident pulls on the toilet handle to get it to flush properly. Meanwhile, you have so few friends you actually welcome the idea of finishing your basement. It’s time for one of two things: a thorough psychiatric evaluation or a trip to Schulhoff Equipment Rental for all the necessary items. So if you can’t tell the difference between a vibratory roller, a brushwacker and a dingo loader — or if you just a want to take a stroll around the Wild West-style corral — mosey on down to Walnut Hills and have yourself a look-see at what those Schulhoff boys have to offer.
2709 Woodburn Ave., Walnut Hills, 513-961-1122.

Best Place to Lose That Annoying Drip:
Stop by Noel’s Plumbing and Supply, where they’ve been helping us fix our leaky pipes for more than three decades. These guys have everything you need (more than 14,000 items in stock) to make it stop — or break loose what’s stopped up — and they’ll tell you how to fix the problem, too.
1200 Walnut St., Over-the-Rhine, 513-721-5286. ©