Jukebox Fury
The best beat ’boxes and where to find them

Compiled by Kathy Y. Wilson, with help from Mike Breen
and Jason Gargano

Jukeboxes are like children. What comes out is only as good as what goes in.
But weird and esoteric aren’t always better in the public theater of publicly consumed jukebox music. Save that shit for your own hi-fi.

Photo: Wendy Ulhman The Crazy Fox in Newport has a crazy variety: Van Morrison, Beastie Boys, Radiohead, Elvis Costello, The Strokes, Al Green, Prince and Johnny Cash, plus just a little J-Lo.

Just because the bar owner is a cross-dressing Liza Minelli fanatic doesn’t mean the rest of us wanna get drunk to Liza warbling Mary J. Blige covers. Conversely, sidling up to a ’box, leftover laundry quarters in hand, listeners usually crave variety over replication of their home collections.

And isn’t that the point of chuckin’ bucks into a jukebox?

Jukebox surprises can turn an otherwise abysmal bar experience into your own private Idaho. The best part of controlling the ’box? Every bar patron in ear shot’s gotta play do you hear what I hear.

Speaking of diabolical power, I took appointment as captain of the “Best of” jukebox team to be reparations for years of being the meat in an office seating chart sandwich — the white bread being two music heads with similar musical leanings.

So, selecting “Best of” jukebox list toppers isn’t arbitrary or scientific. Neither is it fair. But that’s the way the coin drops.

When it was time to tally, I gleefully overrode the detailed favorites submitted by fellow team members and CityBeat staffers Mike Breen and Jason Gargano. That means jukeboxes they deemed good I thought were fabulous and those they dubbed rrrriot boy bangers got bumped.

Breen (aka CityBeat music editor) and Gargano, CityBeat chief spell-checker, were dispatched throughout Clifton, the West side and Northside. Together, we hit Covington and Newport. I took Oakley, Walnut Hills, downtown and (yawn) Mount Adams.
I even heard from the touch screen jukebox at Queen Ann or, as my friend Atif calls it, “Satan’s basement party.” The crowd was so Fire-Marshall-Bill-tight in the hole-in-the-wall joint I could barely turn to see the jukebox (it’s on the wall beside the potato chip machine), let alone feed it quarters.

It gets a mention here, though, because it’s the best Hip-Hop ’box for miles.
According to our criteria of price, selection, sound and miscellaneous shit, the UC/Northside/Central areas of Cincinnati have the best, most diverse jukeboxes — four of the Top 10 are on Short Vine, with two more on Hamilton Avenue.

In the end, selection trumps price, but price (more selections for a buck) nudges ’boxes with bad sound. Ambiance helps the total package, and personalization enhances selection.

Photo:Sean Hughes/photopresse There’s plenty of old-school Garage and Punk in Northside Tavern’s jukebox.

And it goes a little somethin’ like this. (P.S.: Direct all bitching to Breen; he’s used to it.)

1. The Comet (Big freakin’ surprise)
4579 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-541-8900

At the last minute, young Gargano bumped this from A to A- in a flurry of sarcasm: “Great, but caters to a certain kind of person — the music snob.”

Whatever. The Comet has the total package — price, selection and sound.
“ At this point, giving The Comet’s jukebox props is as clichéd as Steve Chabot’s combover,” Gargano says. “But what are ya gonna do, it’s well deserved.” And I concur. (So did readers, who picked The Comet too; see Readers Picks.)

Price: 4 for $1; 8 for $2; 25 for $5

Selection: ’70s Garage, New Wave and Punk. Also some superfly Soul/Jazz like Charlie Parker, Ike & Tina Turner and Charlie Mingus. More recent choices include The White Stripes, Sleater-Kinney’s magnum opus Call the Doctor and local “Hip Hop savants” IsWhat?!

Sound: Very good. Crisp, clear, nice low end. And the volume is just right.

Misc. shit: The white Christmas-y lights that line the interior of the box.

2. Art’s Bar and Billiards
2617 Vine St., Corryville, 513-569-0222

“ I really loved the ambiance of Art’s,” Breen says. “The incense is a nice touch. The diverse jukebox selection seemed to match it.”

Price: 2 for $1; 6 for $2.

Selection: Miles Davis (bonus points for having On the Corner), Nas, the Roots, Angie Stone, Remy Shad and Cameo; then Led Zeppelin, Pearl Jam, The Pixies, Pink Floyd. This and Jock Jams collections! “That they have the Grateful Dead right next to Jay Z says it all,” Breen says.

Sound: Loud and crisp.

Misc. shit: Most unusual selection: underground Garage rockers the Soledad Brothers.

Photo:Sean Hughes/photopresse The famous top-rated jukebox at The Comet. Ooooh! Aaaah!

3. Main City Bar
1427 Main St., Over-the-Rhine, 513-241-6111

Price: 3 for $1; 7 for $2; 18 for $5

Selection: “Main City’s box features a shitload of fine-ass stuff. Specifically, it has one of the best selections of ’90s discs I’ve come across,” says Gargano of Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted, Beck’s Odelay, Liz Phair’s Exile in Guyville, the Beastie Boys, PJ Harvey’s Dry and an all-time personal fave, Radiohead’s The Bends.
Lots of Punk, Blues/Soul/R&B like Prince, James Brown, Nina Simone, R.L. Burnside, Nikka Costa, Muddy Waters, Lauryn Hill; semi-obscure Indie Rock and standbys Johnny Cash, The Who, Stones, Hendrix, Marley and The Beatles. Plus a grab bag of selections worthy of jukebox envy: Lenny Kravitz, Sinead O’Connor, Morcheeba, Squeeze, Tom Waits, Devo, The Cars, Queens of the Stone Age and The Smiths.

Sound: Pretty good. On the loud side.

Misc. shit: The Crumb soundtrack of early 20th-century Jazz, Blues and Ragtime.

4. Fat Cats (below Top Cat’s)
2820 Vine St., Corryville, 513-281-2005

Price: 3 for $1; 7 for $2.

Selection: “I like that I was puzzled by some of the choices. Uh, Buffett?” says Breen, who was also diggin’ that Goshorn Brothers disc with the picture of the Fat Cat’s owner partying at another bar instead of the CD cover.

Also features now-defunct Roundhead alongside rarities from Prince. There’s Radiohead, Duran Duran, AC/DC, Ohio Players, Jeff Buckley and Simon & Garfunkel.

Sound: Raw. “Sounds like there’s only one speaker, but it’s nice and loud,” Breen says.

Misc. shit: Impotent Sea Snakes, a controversial Glam/Sex band that’s played the club a few times.

5. Sudsy Malone’s
2626 Vine St., Corryville, 513-751-2300

Price: 4 for $1; just one reason this war horse makes the Top Five.

Selection: Overall, Breen says this box reflects “its live music reputation instead of standards to get fucked up to” and it’s “perfect for where it is.” That is, on a once-glam strip now littered by skate-kid panhandlers.
A lot of Punk stuff and some more esoteric selections: The Dead Kennedys, Dickies, two different discs from Richard Hell, the Descendents and Generation X. The rest are all over the map: Betty Blowtorch, Radiohead, Thin Lizzy, Medeski Martin and Wood, Afghan Whigs, Merle Haggard, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, MC5 and Tom Waits.

Sound: Ragged. Also appropriately loud.

Misc. shit: An unreleased demo of recordings by early ’90s local favorites Schwah.

6. Northside Tavern
4163 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-542-3603

Price: 3 for $1; 6 for $2; 16 for $5

Selection: Stellar. Plenty of old-school Garage and Punk with a healthy dose of Modern Rock like Wilco, Enon, Interpol, Sleater-Kinney, Radiohead and local sprinklings Jake Speed, Ruby Vileos, Ass Ponys and Iswhat?! Well-covered by genre (Funk, Folk, Jazz and Soul), though by lacking a “choice Rap record” the Tavern gets bumped below the Top Five.

Sound: Varies. “The back pool room is the best spot,” Gargano says. “The small middle room, where the box is located, is the worst.”

Misc. shit: Modest Mouse frontman Isaac Brock’s side project Ugly Cassanova, ’60s Reggae from Desmond Decker and soundtrack maestro Ennio Morricone.

7. Crazy Fox Saloon
901 Washington St., Newport, 859-261-2143

Price: 2 for $1

Selection: Deliciously schizophrenic. There are probably too many “personalized discs” (selections from different acts burned on one disc, probably by the bartender), but it works. The jukebox of this (mainly) gay bar makes the list because it resists the gay party boy’s urge to terrorize us with Cher, Mary J., Janet, Whitney and Judy (see No. 10). Instead there’s Van Morrison, James Taylor, the Beasties, Billy Idol, Radiohead, Elvis Costello, The Strokes, Pixies, Cure, Al Green, Prince, Stevie Wonder and perennial favorite Johnny Cash. There’s also J-Lo in case you’d forgotten you were in a (mainly) gay bar.

Sound: Those smallish Bose speakers work in the rear bar, though something’s lost out front where it’s louder.

Misc. shit: “Please let the bartender know if you want to play the jukebox (so we can turn off the house music),” reads a sign affixed to the box. Those (mainly) gays are so courteous.

8. Southgate House
24 E. Third St., Newport, 859-431-2201

Price: 2 for $1

Selection: Nookin’ por nub in all duh wong paces? This here’s yer place, buddy. If Andy and Barney fell from a time warp machine and ran into Southgate to hide from the bright lights of Newport on the Levee, this is what they’d listen to while they figured their fate.
Heavy on the Country/Honky Tonk/Americana (Ramblin’ Jack Elliott, Cash, Hank Williams, Iris Dement) with a side of Classic Jazz (Dinah Washington) and Blues (Etta James). Also Brother Ray Charles, The Clash, James Brown, Blondie, Santana and Tom Waits.

Sound: During a quiet weeknight visit it was pure and loud.

Misc. shit: The Country Side of Dean Martin. ’Nuff said.

9. Daniel’s
2735 Vine St., Corryville, 513-281-1026

Price: 3 for $1

Selection: Diverse. “Daniel’s jukebox has some hipster selections, but not in a pretentious way like The Comet,” Breen says. “Just kidding.”
Again, there’s Johnny Cash. On the “cool” side there’s Super Furry Animals, The White Stripes, Trans Am, The Amps, Dandy Warhols, Clutch and Air, backed by standbys from the Stones, The Monkees, The Who and Billie Holiday.

Sound: A little frazzled. “But since Daniel’s is the kind of place you go to get hammered, it doesn’t seem to matter,” Breen says.

Misc. shit: Jackpot!: The Las Vegas Story, a Lounge compilation featuring Vic Damone and his kin. “Bourbon, straight up, three fingers.”

10. Carol’s on Main
825 Main St., Downtown, 513-651-2667

Price: 3 for $1

Selection: This is the gay party boy’s urge to terrorize. (See no. 7 for its antithesis.) But let’s hear it for the boy — this box is stocked with selections of the classic gay professional hang-out/pick-up spot. But that’s OK, because when you’re in the mood for Janet, Mary J. and the rest from the Diva Brigade you want it non-stop.

Sound: Loud. Depending on what’s playing, the sound could get turned up if it’s a staffer’s favorite and turned down if a staffer doesn’t like it. Quieter before Happy Hour, but basically a thumpin’ ass Dock-esque sound.

Misc. shit: Other than the Abercrombie boys, the jukebox is one of the main attractions of Carol’s on Main. There’s always a line to play songs, the box stays loaded up and its diva-licious contents give the place a club feel without the cover charge.

Other jukeboxes we liked and would have included if we’d done a Top 15 instead of Top 10: Fries Café, Clifton (lots of Blues acts); Arlin’s Bar, Clifton (good sound); Gary’s Westsider, Cheviot (homemade mix CDs); AliveOne, Mount Adams (all live albums); Brew House, Walnut Hills (funky).